So I just noticed that I created my first post for this blog exactly a year ago... And what has changed since then? Nothing. Well, besides finally transferring to a uni in the US I feel like I've not accomplished anything that I would be proud of in the span of 12 months.
So Kitky asked me how California is... To be honest, I really like the weather here and since I got here, I'm quite sure it has rained 5 times in total (not even big jungle rain like Malaysia), those sprinkly happy "splash in the sun" type of rain. I've haven't really made alot of friends, but that's to be expected due to my schedule and laziness to participate in social activities (and the fact that I am socially inept =P). Classes have been going well, alot of the psych professors are amazing and I'm hoping to get into the Honors Society for Psychology very soon.
But why this "empty" feeling? I think it's the fact that I'm 21 and just haven't
done anything. Alexander the Great had already started his world conquest at 18, Mozart was well on his way to becoming the most famous composer of his time, Joan of Arc defeated the English at 17 (and got burned at 19, so I outlived her - if that's an accomplishment)... So yeah, maybe I'm unrealistic in comparing myself to history's greats. But even by today's standards I feel like I fall short. Graduating at 21? Nope. Getting into a good uni? Nope. Saved the world's orphans? Not really my kind of thing, but I haven't done
that either.
So maybe I'm going through a mid-young-adult-life crisis, looking for an answer or path as to what my purpose in life is. Am I doomed to be one of the mindless consumers and entertainment junkies whose only role in existence is to feed global conglomerates and live a boring, day-to-day insignificant
life? The average citizen in the centre of a normally distributed bell curve? Full-time consumer, sloth and contributor to pollution because I don't recycle?
You know what... Someone has to do it, I guess.
5 Comments:
Your posts always stimulate a lot of thoughts and questions in me.
So, from what I learned in my ethics class (which I dropped out since I'm genuinely unethical), people feel "empty" because they are really smart.
These people need higher order pleasure to fulfill their happiness, but everytime they achieve a level of satisfaction, they want to climb even higher up the ladder.
My conclusion is:
1) you're really smart, and I really mean it. you are one of the few people whom i know, who are mature enough. good uni or not, graduate at 21 or not, do not matter as much. the only big difference i can think of is - how many stands of white hair they get. Oh and we might just have a lot more fun than they have!
2) you are a high-achiever deep down! not acting like one doesnt mean you're not competitve! you just havnt found something that interest you, yet.
3) being lazy and all... is not a bad thing, really! think about this: how many years left in your life can you enjoy as much as now?
let's meet up in Msia for sure. we can both be "full-time consumer" together. i'll protect you from the stalker, too!
hey, what about travelling to Korea to find Jerry? hahaha..
My only thought is that you are feeling a depressed state because you know you are well capable of more, but your inherent laziness is holding you back from doing more, and the unwillingness to overcome it.
The question is what are you throwing yourself into that could be a great accomplishment? Are you doing your utmost to succeed at any one thing?
A calling in life is not something which will randomly appear (at least not that ive seen) you find something and pursue it, and overcome all obsticles in pursuit of that goal...you achieve it or die trying. If you are indeed comfortable living a consumer existance (most people are because doing anything else requires more work) then do so.
Or seek out that meaning by pursuing something more....there really is no other option available..you either do something different or continue along with things the way they are.
But what do I know? Ive accomplished fuck all in my life thus far, and only recently got out of a philosophical and psychological rut.
All this philosophy is why I chose Engineering and Maths (and Sciences to a lesser extent). So much thinking! I'm dumb and try not to think too much about the world or worry(maybe I really don't worry enough >< and that's why I passed 3 out of 15 subjects in 2 years at uni, lol ...)
Anyway, I'm better at arguing logic and maths than philosophy, but I think you are being a little hard on yourself. You're doing good at what you're doing, and I agree with a lot of what Loves said, you are really smart, and cause of that you question everything and the meaning of your life which ends up making you unhappy =P.
Unfortunately I can't think of a solution to it, But I tend to have trouble thinking of solutions to lots of things so maybe that isn't so surprising. I hope you can be proud of how well you are actually doing in college, and maybe philosophize a way to be happy eh ;)?
oi i wanted to comment something.. then i see the 3 before me panjang giler... so heh.. good luck in finding yourself this year, and good luck in finding the true meaning of life. send me a postcard when u do find out.
kkthxbai
Thanks for all the feedback guys...
I think a main part of it is that I feel a sort of "aimlessness". Like Sele said, it's kind of like waiting around for something to strike me when I should go out and actually find something and pursue it.
Sometimes I feel a passionless apathy towards everything and that kind of scares me. It's like being bored and watching your own life pass by on a tv screen and saying "dude, that's boring" but being unable to change the channel.
I need a plot and a climax.
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